I just wish this to stop.

I still can't sleep cause you know why?

All I dream about is you anyway.

Fuck this world.

So its back to the coffee liqueur that has found a place in this wretched life. Running out of any other alcohol except for wine.

Funny how I was ranting about non-genuine relationships last night when the one that would overshadow and close that small gap of hope is one that would definitely be genuine. Especially since with the lucky ones involved.

I just hope she's careful especially when playing footsies at this level and the stakes of it. I worry for her emotional stability in case of the almost impossible denial. I worry that she'll pin so much emotions into it that it would destroy her in the end.

Obviously this is all speaking from a worse case scenario stand point.

I mean the guy she fancies ain't like the rest; he's not a jerk. he's a million times better than me. he would not destroy her. he cannot destroy her.

I can already see it already. The inevitable future of it all. The funny part is I can't see myself in that future because its too painful to imagine it.

But that is reality and I'll have to face it soon.

I'm glad and all but..

y'know what?

as long as you're happy.

I've been thinking a lot today. Mostly about the reason.

Ahh the very dreadful part that no human should even think about that if your soul is not strong enough you will be plunged into the depths of depression.

It ain't gonna fuck with me now anyway since I'm only literally three more levels of depression away from suicide.

So let's ponder out loud shall we?

Really it all can be summarised in one word - undesirable.

It wouldn't make a difference if I was alive.

I talk way too little which is a false sign of social awkwardness

I don't go to the gym because I was hoping the one I love would rise above shallow appearances. Then again, that's really selfish of me to assume she would.

I'm too boring. I don't offer anything to this world. Fuck, I look like a jerkoff anyway. Fucking butt ugly piece of shit.

My God, this is not working.

I just have a million things to say to her but I don't know what I am achieving.

Those things would only serve to hurt because they are emotions that have lost their way in the metaphorical jungle and she believes that she has killed them.

Fuck my life. Really just fuck it.

Things I'm dying to say, to tell her would only serve to destroy any glimmer of hope of achieving happiness. I am dying for self destruction. My own life is trying to kill me.

The only way to comfort myself is to think about it reversely.

Imagine for a daft moment that someone like Shereen or Shobanu liked me - completely impossible but this is all obviously on paper

Would I accept them?

No.

Why? I don't know. It's not because I hate them. We somewhat have common interests so what's wrong?

I guess it's cause we won't click.
But then again, love can be infected right?

Right?

I don't know. Nobody has ever loved me before anyway.

Maybe love can manifest. Maybe I'll slowly fall in love with them.

That's what I would like to believe.

Or simply it's just cause we can't click.

Henceforth my case against the existence of true love has been made full and proven.

Don't wanna rant about it again but fuck I'm seriously still bitter.

Maybe one day we'll all realize that the one we're are looking for are the ones that has put in the most work already. That already has given his assurance for everything.