truth

Heh going to drink myself to death at this rate. But it hurts. It really fucking does.

Awful lot of things on my mind. Feel like quitting school and just write misery for the rest of my life because I seem to be the only beacon of misery in this world anyway.

Tiffany, if by some miracle you are reading this then you must be here to hear the truth; the story of all this shit that lead up to nothing but misery and a broken heart. Fuck, I know there's no such thing as a broken heart but it really fucking hurts. Can't think about anything, can't do anything without me thinking of you. shit that sounded creepy but I believe I'm drunk enough to warrant this a benefit of the doubt. Even if you don't intend to read this, at least give me the goddamn right to just type my heart out in hopes of the pain subsiding.

Heh I think me typing this and telling the truth would destroy all of hopes of me being with you. And you all just classify me as the same league as azam.


I guess it all begun during the orientation. At that time I was still a lad and love was something that was false; not an emotion just an over-hyped human reaction to certain people. This was most probably due to having two lacklustre tries at two different girls. The ironic thing is that these girls turned out to be scums of the earth so I was pretty glad about that in a very very bitter way.

Going back to the orientation, amidst the crowds of different races in what would be my future class; a sight that was rare and new to me. I see the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my life. At that time I just akin and classified this girl (like what most guys do anyway) to the 'chio bu but not necessarily perfect' category. Nevertheless the saying of 'you know when you truly fall in love' kicked in but still, I was still at a doubtful state of mind. Embarrassing but fuck I'm here to tell the truth right? Come to think about it, I still remember the dumb stunt I did of asking everybody in the class for their numbers just to get this girl's number although at that time I still had no idea what her name was.

So school started and we were still chummy and new. Y'know, I know. Soon I found out that the girl's name was, erm well Tiffany. According to her introduction she loved food and plucked her hair like how my mother would. Hmm fascinating. It was also around this period that I started picking up conversations (eavesdropping and actually talking) and realized that, shit, this girl is pretty freaking intelligent. Heck, this girl just made the funniest Oasis joke I've ever heard!

So like what all guys would do, I checked her facebook just as I was walking home. Screamed fuck at the top of my voice when I saw this girl was already in a relationship. This was when the first of many strange things between the two of us happened - you smsed me and told me that you saw me walking home. My little 16 year old brain exploded and well..I don't remember much after that to be honest.

Weeks went by and somehow I started to realize that talking to her actually made me happy. As in happiness I've never felt before. In a really strange way, talking to her was like talking to myself. I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't continue on.

I just fell in love with her even though I was aware that she already had a boyfriend.

It was then I realized that to me, happiness was HER happiness. That if by some miracle we got together I would be the happiest man alive. Until then, I'll never be truly happy. I loved her. I wanted every single day to be spent with her for the rest of my short life.

Slowly I realized that she's not happy with her boyfriend at all. So I waited because I knew, somewhere in my selfish little mind, that I could make her happy for the rest of her life.

This was the same time as when Desvin and Jiahui got together, so I developed a plan that was the complete opposite of their story. It would be a process of 2 years where I slowly just approach her, get her to know me etc before the eventual.

Thinking back, the last year of trying to chase her and waiting for her to realize that she would not be happy with her current boyfriend was the happiest time I had in ages. The 8 month long wait felt like a breeze because somehow in the back of my mind I knew they would break up eventually.

Still blinded by love and my previous strong belief of 'the love you take is equals to the love you make', I did a lot of stupid things. Like it became really obvious to many that I did love this very lovely girl. That was the first time in my life that my actions seeped of..emotions. I hate showing emotions when interacting with people face to face but somehow this girl managed to shatter my ice cold heart and actually show emotions. Still, I had to control myself from showing my boundless love for her (geezus that sounds cheesy) because I did not want to scare her away with my sudden torrent of emotions. I had to make some distance between us and only reserve interactions to after classes.

There were strings pulled behind the scenes in hopes of protecting her but that's another story.

Throughout these months, there were always these coincidences that somehow linked to the ultimatum of us being a reality. Heck even now there are still faint coincidences.

This was the biggest mistake I'll ever make as this just made me look like a creepy stalker. I looked like shit anyway so that didn't help. I know, Tiff. I have a curse of reading people's mind.

Nevertheless, I bottled my emotions for her and went according to plan to slowly release them one by one.

I guess the first signs of things getting shitty was Christmas when I delivered her present and I could just tell from the tone and everything that..she didn't love me.

So I waited and waited and on the 9th month, December 2011/January 2012. Things started to go to the shitter. Eugene started to be added to the picture. Somehow, this girl decided that she wanted to attract him. I initially panicked because..well I'm selfish and I knew he was a better man than I'll ever be. Further deductions made me conclude that this girl knew that I liked her for quite a while now and she didn't like (LIKE) me at all.

And there went my heart.

Eugene obviously did not want to destroy me so I guessed that he most probably told her that he could not chase her because of me. ME?!

And that's where the present kicks in

Heh, you know the rest of the story already anyway since I told you the other day.

Feel that I can't type anything to describe what I did (and is doing) without sounding like a pompous prick. I only did it because I love her, and I may or may not ever get over her. She's just so perfect. Fuck, I KNOW I'll never find someone like her. Never find someone better.

Fuck nobody will be in the right mind to love me anyway.
Come to think about it, I now know why you always asked the question of would you date a fat ugly as fuck girl with a heart of gold. Never realized that I was that girl.

I'm just unlovable and I'll never be happy. Because the one I love will never love me.

And like a sledgehammer, life slams back at me the advice I give to every other single broken heart.

"Sometimes you don't have to be with the one you love to be happy. Sometimes the most important thing is that she's happy"

HAHAHA regret ever EVER gaving that advice because I'll never be able to practice what I preach.

How can you not be happy when you feel so desolate and alone in this world. Parents don't really give a fuck about you, friends being there for the sake of fun. I can never go back to the ice cold state of heart because it has already shattered to a million unsalvageable pieces.

Nobody in this world will ever believe me that I'll love them forever. ITS NOT CHEESY IF ITS TRUE.

So what if you give all your heart into her (even if I don't and most importantly can't show it)? SHE'LL NEVER LOVE YOU ANYWAY! FUCK ALL THIS LOVE SONGS AND ALL THEIR LIES. THAT ALL YOU GOTTA DO TO MAKE A GIRL FALL FOR YOU IS TO HAVE A HEART, BEING A LISTENING EAR AND ALL THAT FUCKED UP SHIT. ITS ALL FALSE. FALSE FUCKED UP SHIT TO GIVE FOOLS LIKE ME HOPE.

Misery is all I can feel now.

You know how much it hurts to see both you and him online on facebook at 1am. Just knowing that both of you are talking and nurturing him to be your soon to get boyfriend?

Funny how I wait for 9 months for nothing while he doesn't have to wait for anything for what I am aiming for. Ain't life fucked up? AIN'T ALL THIS SHIT FUCKED UP?! WHY DOESN'T HE REALIZE THAT HE IS THE LUCKIEST MAN ALIVE TO BE AT THE RECEIVING END OF YOUR LOVE?!!?!? YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I WISH FOR THAT EVERY SINGLE DAY?! HOW MUCH I DREAM ABOUT IT HOW MUCH I THINK ABOUT IT!?!

wow was never a crying person but fuck.
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck


Tiffany, I don't like you. I love you. With all my soul and everything I can offer. With all my time in this world. I am sure that there is no other person in the world that loves you as much s I do now.

I know you'll never die and you will know soon enough when the time comes. You're the reason for everything I do and just suddenly I've been thrown back into the abyss. I know that this is not a crush. A crush ain't suppose to cause such a painful and long heartbreak anyway. I've been miserable for a month now and I have no idea how to go on.

I say this with extreme bitterness but I do really hope you find your love, be it eugene or any other person. Most importantly stay happy for the rest of your life.

Please please don't be guilt into doing anything because of me. Don't cry don't be angry. You yourself are in a shitty situation so I do not want to cause any deeper sorrows.

OH WAIT HAHAHA NOBODY GIVES A FUCK ABOUT ME ANYWAY

I just want you to know that everything I said here is true because the truth is the only thing I can give you now.

Its rare for me to use a song to describe something but..

Smashing Pumpkins - Stand Inside Your Love

It was as if every lyric was written by me. Of what I'm feeling right now.

Anyway, stay happy and I'll always be literally and figuratively in the background